Loverboy

In the ’80s everyone in the entertainment industry was so high on coke that a shocking number of truly terrible movies got made. Movies so bad that they should be regulated to the toughest questions in Trivial Pursuit movie editions. However a little channel called Comedy Central (formerly The Comedy Channel) debuted in 1991, and its vast need for content meant that the worst of the worst comedies from the ’80s suddenly had a new home and a new audience (one mostly made up of children pretending to be sick to get out of school). The absolute bottom of the movie barrel was Soul Man, the movie where C. Thomas Howell dons blackface to learn an important lesson about race relations at Harvard University. But the male prostitution “comedy” Loverboy is almost as bad.

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This was  considered acceptable in the ’80s. It is not acceptable.

An extremely young Patrick Dempsey stars as Randy Bodek, a college student who gets cut off by his family, and so has to deliver pizzas for a living. A very attractive, wealthy, slightly older woman takes a shine to him and starts paying him to sex her up. Then she gets all of her wealthy friends to start paying him to sex them up. And that’s about all that happens in the movie. Oh, at one point his mom tries to hire him, so that’s the kind of wacky mix up ’80s comedies are known for. Also the movie ends with two attempted rapes in a row (literally they happen in concurrent scenes), because… comedy?

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Not exactly subtle

The male prostitution film is one of the weirder genres that Hollywood keeps circling back to (as two Duce Bigolow movies and three seasons of Hung can attest to). There actually isn’t very much evidence that male prostitutes that cater to female clients even exists. Male prostitutes overwhelmingly have male clients. So it becomes difficult to find some other motivation beyond heterosexual male fantasy that there are horny housewives in suburbia willing to pay men to have sex with them. In fact, I am pretty certain that every third porno has almost that exact plot.

Along those lines, there is an odd subplot where Randy’s parents think he is gay. It’s mostly an excuse so that the women’s husbands can mistakenly beat up the wrong person more than once over the course of the film. But it is also an excuse to have characters say a lot of homophobic things, because why the hell not?

Seriously, how much coke did the Tristar executives have to snort to greenlight this film?

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