Fuller House – Season Two Liveblog

One of the weirdest conversations of my life was when a co-worker said to me, “Did you check out Fuller House on Netflix? It was so lame” (his word, not mine). To which I responded, “Well… I mean did you watch Full House?” And then he said, “Yeah, but not this lame.”

As a grown man who has, for some reason, voluntarily watched plenty of episodes of Full House I can attest that it is very, very bad. Fuller House, the sequel series that a lot of people obviously wanted (why?) actually is a drastic improvement upon the original. It actually has jokes! It occasionally even comes shockingly close to pathos and catharsis! It’s still terrible, but terrible perfectly enjoyable way.

Hence why when I decided to binge watch the season today I didn’t feel the shame at my terrible life choices that I do when accidentally discover and then watch Full House reruns on TV. But as there is nothing particularly culturally significant, intellectually interesting, or insightful about Fuller House, I just kept a live blog of my reactions. So here’s your context free analysis of Fuller House!

  • Out of no where Fuller House turns into a full on Bernie Sanders progressive and takes some accidentally good pot shots at Trump…
  • Now there’s been some male nudity. Fuller House is somehow becoming a woke Two and a Half Men.
  • Oh God. Alan Thicke just showed up… and now I am crying…
  • The subtext to this entire scene is that Matt and Steve’s new girlfriends openly hate DJ.
  • The show tip toes up to the line of openly admitting that Stephanie is just fucking tons of dudes every night. And you know what? Good for her.
  • Despite the fact that everyone dresses like the early ’90s, you can tell it is happening now because they all have smart phones.
  • And now they’ve made a bunch of gay jokes about DJ’s eight-year-old son.
  • This whole plot can be summed up as “Fuller House reenacts Wedding Crashers in order to get DJ laid.”
  • DJ’s bang partner just came out of the closet to Stephanie.
  • “We know gay, we grew up in a house, actually, with three dads. Yeah, one was obsessed with his hair, one was obsessed with cleaning, and the other one had a woodchuck puppet. I had a confusing childhood, but there was a lot of love.” – Stephanie summing up 8 seasons of Full House.
  • And because this show loves its ’90s nostalgia Stephanie and DJ have a conversation while doing Riverdance. Also Stephanie just outed the guy DJ have been trying to fuck all episode to his entire family.
  • I like how Fuller House feels free to shit all over Kevin Hart.
  • And flashbacks to all of their first kisses. And I thought the Fuller House style was bad…
  • Fuller House is doing an homage to I Love Lucy. I guess the show is appealing to people who nostalgically remember Nick at Night in the ’90s.
  • This show really, really likes gay jokes…. and yet rarely the very, very obvious ones.
  • Oh hey, now they are just traumatizing children.
  • One thing I appreciate about this show is how they constantly mention that Stephanie is a lazy mooch… something they never acknowledged about Joey or Jesse in the original series.
  • I assume this is a special guest star? I think he might be from Dancing With the Stars, a well they’ve already gone to on this show.
  • I can’t tell if this dancing is supposed to be amazing or horrible.
  • Metatextual slam on Jodie Sweetin!
  • Wait, they have a balcony inside their house?
  • Well, it looks like this is going to be the “Let’s get everyone from the original series back together episode.” They even named dropped Full House.
  • Oh, this is just embarrassing…
  • Welp Jesse and Becky are not banging tonight.
  • So Joey is as bad a parent as… he was already a bad parent.
  • Oh hey, Danny and Jesse cuddling. Because of course.
  • “Today is about family, don’t let our family ruin that.” – Stephanie Tanner, showing her great wisdom. Also a great lack of self-awareness, given just how often that family ruins things.
  • And now DJ is giving that traditional Full House speech on family values to Danny.
  • Okay this reference to the original show is so obscure I actually needed the flashback.
  • “It sounds like a terrible idea, but let’s do it.” – Stephanie, summing up the thinking process behind Fuller House.
  • And more breaking of the fourth wall to talk about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.
  • So, I realize the entire point of this show is ’90s nostalgia, but even this is over kill. And I like how it immediately segues into redoing the “Stephanie feels peer pressure to smoke” plot. Even if they call it out (and they do) it is still pretty damn silly.
  • And Fuller House teaches us all a valuable lesson about respecting women.
  • So Stephanie found a brand new band in the span of one episode? I would say implausible, but it’s been established that the only time she leaves the house is to hit the clubs to find more lovers. So maybe she met them there?

    Also sort of creepy she sang her love song… to her family.

  • Oh hey, it’s a Netflix reference.
  • More Trump references.
  • And now they are getting metatextual about the reaction to Fuller House.
  • That’s a hilariously fake spider.
  • I find it quite amusing that DJ’s archnemisis is an 8-year-old boy. Girl, you are 39. Handle yo’ shit.
  • Well they turned Stephanie’s love song about the guy she’s fucking currently into being about her infant nephew. The incest is strong on this show.
  • Well, the Tanners are behaving horribly unprofessional… again…. or rather, as always.
  • Literally none of these people should ever be employed.
  • Did they seriously not think of “climb the fence” until now?
  • In case you were wondering the current nostalgia levels of Fuller House, they are now doing a plotline about New Kids on the Block. Joey McIntyre, you used to be better than this! And Donnie Whalberg you were in four Saw movies!
  • Oh hey, Donnie Whalberg was too good to do this show.
  • Oh good lord, this is yet another “famous band shows up at the Full House.
  • And now they are talking about Laurie Laughlin movies.
  • Wow, this 12-year-old girl is really excited to meet the New Kids on the Block (and can apparently recognize them by sight).
  • The endless “Band comes to the house” plotlines on Full House never fail to be horribly awkward and embarrassing for everyone involved.
  • It is, however, pretty amusing that the band being embarrassed to be doing this is an important part of the plot this time.Way to show more dignity than the Beach Boys, New Kids on the Block!
  • Did they just kidnap the New Kids on the Block… a second time?
  • Watch DJ sexually assault Joey McIntyre tonight on a brand new Fuller House.
  • And it looks like Donnie Whalberg wasn’t to good to do this after all. He was willing to film about thirty seconds of singing “Happy Birthday” to show on an iPad screen. Whalberg, I’ve lost more respect for you than I did when I saw Saw IV!
  • Wow, Fuller House really does like pushing the idea that DJ’s boyfriend and her ex-boyfriend are going to hook up.
  • That’s a hilariously fake concert venue.
  • If this was taking place in the real world, as opposed a universe where literally everything revolves around the residents of one particular house, DJ would have just ruined the concert for thousands and thousands of people.
  • think I would be filing a complaint card if the band I paid (according to the text of the show) a weirdly large amount of money to see somehow got roped into Facetiming themselves from some weird chick’s cell phone so her family can dance along to the concert from their home.
  • The one thing I can’t restate enough about this episode (and sort of redeems everything) is that the New Kids on the Block were presented as pretty openly loathing the Tanners.
  • “Our entire lives are a ’90s theme party.” – Kimmie Gibbler

    She gets it. She really, really gets it.

  • “Here’s our highschool yearbook! I was voted most likely to succeed, most likely to use ‘Gosh’ in a sentence, and most likely to marry Lance Bass. Gosh they were wrong about that.” -DJ

    Now would this count as a ’90s gay joke since NSYNC debuted in the ’90s or a ’00s gay joke since Lance Bass came out mid-’00s?

    Remember when Lance Bass was going to go to space? That was wacky.

  • Did they seriously choreograph a dance to “Can’t Touch This” before the reunion?
  • So these eight-year-olds  both love Titanic?
  • So Max is suddenly heterosexual? That goes against dozens of jokes the show has made. Such as being an eight-year-old boy whose favorite movie is Titanic.
  • DJ is dressing like Kelly Bundy on Married With Children.
  • Wow, DJ is horny.
  • Everyone’s reactions to Joey are on point.
  • And now they are just shitting all over Full House. Wow, they’re actually calling out all of Full House‘s shit.
  • Wow, this is the first lesbian joke all season.
  • Yet one more gay joke to close out the season.
  • Are they seriously going to drag this love triangle out for another season? Fuller House you are too serialized.
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